This may be a little long, but I'll try to add some pictures along the way to keep your interest. :-) And I'll leave out as much icky detail as I can. :-)
As I mentioned in my post the day before Whitney's arrival, both my mom and sister were able to fly in here for Whitney's arrival. My mom was already on her way here from Egypt, (which is a whole 'nother post all about God's timing that I am working on writing soon but if you want to hear my mom's side of the story, you can read her recent post on her blog HERE) and my sister caught the next flight out of Phoenix as soon as Sean called her Wednesday afternoon. When they arrived Wednesday evening, we spent a couple of hours catching up, and I got to show them both all of the stuff we had ready for Whitney. It was a bittersweet time. I was so happy to see my mom and sister, but I longed with every fiber of my being that things were different... that Whitney would be born alive and come home with us. I got to show them her blanket that my sister had bought WHitney for Christmas, the beautiful gown and matching mommy/daughter bracelets that my friend, Heidi made for her. I showed them the memory making items we had, the book we would read to her and where we wanted her footprints stamped in our Bibles.
My sister is pretty incredible... she has two little girls (2 years old and 3 months old) whom she has birthed naturally. She's great at this childbirthing and rearing stuff. And since I had no idea what I was doing, she spent a little bit of time Wednesday night helping me learn a few breathing tricks and techniques. Sean and I never had time to tour the hospital or to take any kind of birthing classes... I never even had to watch any of those gross birthing films in health class (private school education?) so I was really going in blind. It was so great to have Megan there to help me with some of that stuff. My doctor called me late in the evening on Wednesday to say that everything was ready for me to be at the hospital the next morning at 6:45. He was going to be trying a new kind of medication to start the labor, and that from what he understands, the delivery should be very fast (compared to other methods of induction, like pitocin or cervidil). Hmmm, great.
The Friday before Whitney was born, Sean and I met with a perinatal hospice called Angel Babies. The lady we met, Kathy, with was so sweet. She was going to get us in touch with a nurse at our hosptial to give us a tour before we gave birth. Well, obviously, that wasn't going to happen now. But I called Kathy on Wednesday anyways, just to let her know that we were going to be delivering the next day. She immediately said she was going to get in touch with the nurse and get back with me. Kathy called me just minutes later and told me that this nurse she'd been telling me about had just arranged with the schedulers to be our nurse for the entire day. She knew about our situation and from what Kathy said, this nurse is just exceptional in dealing with infant loss births. I felt a little better that night, knowing that they were expecting us at the hospital. For months, I'd been worried that I'd go into labor suddenly and we'd get to the hospital and have to explain everything about our situation and that there would just be confusion and heartache. God, of course, in His Fatherly greatness, took care of that fear.
All night Wednesday, I had contractions. I hadn't slept in nearly a day and a half, but I did get a little sleep that night. (Thanks to many of y'all's prayers, I believe!) I was able to use the breathing techniques my sister had taught me to breathe through them. I really didn't want to go into the hospital any sooner than I was supposed to so I stuck it out all night. I woke up for good around 5 a.m. Sean woke up a few minutes later because by this point, I was breathing like a dragon beside him! The contractions were getting stronger, but were still manageable. We got dressed, and much to my surprise, both my mom and sister were bright-eyed, ready to go, too. We had planned to let mom sleep in a little then meet us at the hospital later, but I'm pretty sure that nothing-- not even the worst jet lag-- could have kept her away that day. And I am so thankful for all of the prayers you guys sent up on my mom's behalf. She said she really felt great that day... not too tired at all. The tiredness came later, but for the day of Whitney's birth, she was great! So thank you all for those prayers.
We took one more picture of Sean and I and Whitney in our house before we left. (Had to get the cats in on it, too.) Then Mom, Megan, Sean and I (and Whitney) huddled in a circle and cried out to God before we left. When we finally got to the hospital, the area where I checked in had another expectant mom waiting there. Only she was huge... looked like she was about to pop! She had her overnight bag and both she and her husband were smiling from ear to ear. We sat way across the room. Oh, how I pray that someday that will be me. That we'll come to the hospital and be overjoyed about it. There was a little confusion about where to take me when I checked in, but it got worked out pretty quickly. A nurse came down and took me up to the labor and delivery wing. The room was a lot nicer than I thought it'd be, and I learned that both my mom and sister (as well as Sean, of course) could be with me all day long. I was worried that they'd make them leave or not allow them both to be there with me. But again, another worry the Father took care of.
My nurse, Linda came in. Since she had talked to Kathy from Angel Babies, she knew a little about our situation. But she still took about 40 minutes just to talk with me before I even changed into my gown. She asked me about Whitney, what my wishes were for holding her and being with her after she was born, and she talked to me about the different options in pain medication (again, something I knew nothing about!). From the very first minute, I could tell that she was there only by God's goodness. Throughout the entire day, she proved to be such a God-send to us. She did everything the way I asked for it to be done, she explained everything to me, and I believe she genuined cared about not only Sean and I, but our baby girl as well.
I got into the fabulous hospital gown and hooked up to several monitors and IVs. Again, it was so great to have Mom and Megan there. They helped me with asking questions I hadn't thought about. Sean was wonderful. He even made me laugh. There was such a pull of emotions... we were going to meet our daughter that day! And for that we were excited beyond all belief. But we also were going to have to say good bye to our daughter... and that grieved us beyond all belief. I have never in my life felt such supreme joy and intense sorrow at the same time. Sean was so sick that day, too... He caught the nasty cold that I was still fighting and it was at its absoulte worst that day for him. But he managed to stay by my side, rub my feet, hold my hand and make me laugh. When they hooked me up to the contraction monitor, he thought he needed a fuzzy belt thing too, so he put one on and wore it around the room! It was so funny. I love that man.
Around 8:45, Dr. D came in to begin the induction. I was still having contractions on my own, but they weren't getting much stronger and I wasn't dialated at all. He put the pills in and told me to lay flat for 2 hours. Joy. For the next hour or so, we all just kinda talked, watched TV a bit and hung out. Sean's friend Jimmy brought up some speakers for us so that we could listen to music. This was SOOOOO great! I cannot even describe how nice it was to have some soothing music going on in the background while I was trying to relax and breathe through the contractions. As Jimmy was leaving, the contractions started to get stronger. In fact, I couldn't even ask Sean to rub my feet... I just pointed and said "feet!" Out of nowhere, the contractions started to come really hard and really fast. I was using every breathing technique my sister had taught and she was doing such a great job trying to help me keep my cool. But at one point, I couldn't even breathe between contractions, they were so close together. I guess that new medicine really was working fast.
About this point, I asked the nurse for the epidural. The anesthesiologist had very limited windows of time that day when he would be able to give me an epidural, because he had a lot of surgeries scheduled. I was so glad I caught him when I did-- right before he went into surgery. Otherwise, I would have done the whole labor without anything. I know a lot of women do that, and for a brief minute, I felt like a failure for choosing the epidural. However, no one who has a live deliver gets the induction medicine I did. It increases the frequency and intensity of natural contractions by about a million degrees (my professional estimation). :-) And, I figured that there was going to be enough emotional pain in this day, why be in physical pain if I didn't need to be? So, the doctor came in to do the epidural, and after about 20 minutes of it still not working (yikes!) it finally kicked in. Whew. Life was good again. :-) And I was SO glad I did that. I was able to relax a bit and I even got to talk to my dad on the phone before he left Cairo to come here (middle picture below). He'd be there the next day, Friday.
A few hours later hour, I started to hear these really weird gurgling, bubbly noises that sounded like they were coming directly out of my belly button! Really strange. It was so loud, everyone in the room heard it! So we called Nurse Linda in, and immediately she said she needed to check me to see how dialated I was. After she did that, she told me that she thought we were very close. She could feel a little hand and foot. She was going to page Dr. D, but in the meantime, she told me not to move or even cough! Great! OF course, as soon as she said that I needed to... but I didn't! I stopped myself. When Linda left, the whole mood in the room changed. It was suddenly getting closer. So real. In just minutes, our daughter would be born. Out of the comfort and warmth of my womb that miraculously kept her alive for so long. Sean turned on the music I had requested and my mom stood at my feet and began to read scripture over us as we cried and tried to prepare for the unimaginable defining moment.
The music we played was by an incredible South Korean pianist and composer,Yiruma. We put my favorite song of his, River Flows In You, on repeat for a while. If you've never heard his music before, seriously, go check out his website and listen to some of his music. Absolutely stunning. It takes you to a completely different place to just close your eyes and listen to him play. I nearly start crying when I hear it. I need to get his CDs so I can listen to it all the time! The scripture my mom read was Psalm 145. A Psalm that Sean and I read over and over throughout our pregnancy. In fact, its the Psalm that this blog is named after... living in His compassion. Multiple times in that verse, it says: "The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all he has made." That is one of the verses that helped me carry Whitney. God is good to all he has made; he has compassion on all of us. He will see us through.
Linda came in to tell us that Dr. D was at the desk, and just to hold on a few minutes. Dr. D is a great doctor, but leaves much to be desired in the area of compassion. He's very high energy and matter-of-fact, so I was trying to also gear myself up for him to come into the room, clap his hands togheter and say "Let's do this!" Would definitely ruin the peaceful mood of the room. As I was thinking about that, Linda came back in and told us that Dr. D wanted her to deliver Whitney! He wasn't going to come in right now. Honestly, that was more than fine with me. Kind of another answer to prayer, really!
I'll spare you the deatils, but honeslty, it was all so beautiful and perfect. The mood in the room stayed peaceful as Linda gently coached me in what to do. My sister and Sean were on one side, helping, and my mom was behind my head supporting me. My sister looked at me during the birth and just told me, with tears in here eyes, "She's beautiful." Sean held my hand and told me I was doing so good. Finally, after just a short time, Whitney was born. Linda took her over to the bassinett to clean her off. There were no cries from the bassinett. No first breaths. Just silence. The room was so silent.
My sister asked if she could give Whitney her bath. Of course! I was so glad she wanted to do that. Afterall, I couldn't get up and do it myself and I was so unsure of what she would look like. Sean was able to cut the cord, though it didn't have the same feeling that I'm sure it would if our baby was alive. But in that, he was able to do something for his daughter that I wasn't able to do. Megan bathed Whitney, she and Linda measured and weighed her. Just 13.6 tiny ounces and 10.5 inches long. Linda kept saying that Whitney was perfect-- all of her anamolies caused by the triploidy must have been on the inside, because outside, she looked just perfect. So precious. They put her footprints in my Bible, as well as in Sean's and mom's. They dressed her in a beautiful gown, complete with little bonnett, then wrapped her in a tiny pink blanket. My mom brought her over to me, and I lost it. Everyone left and gave Sean and I some time alone with our daughter. She was beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous. I counted all of her finger and toes-- 10 each. I kissed her face and held her close. I was a little surprised by the way she looked, because I was expecting to see something more like a full-term baby. But she wasn't... I was 30 weeks pregnant, but gestationally, she was only about 24 weeks' size or so. And her body was even smaller. I didn't understand at first why the nurse said she was perfect, but then I remembered the pictures of babies I'd seen in the womb at 24 weeks, and realized that she really was perfectly formed for her gesetational age. Its hard to see a baby that small, because that's not really the way its supposed to be. But despite how tiny she was, she was absolutely beautiful.
I can see so much of Sean and I in her, its incredible. She had long, piano-player fingers like me. Her second toe is bigger than her first, just like me and my mom. She had adorable cheeks... I think they would have filled out and been rosy, just like Sean's. Her eyebrows were so beautiful and perfectly arched and defined. It was crazy! She didn't have a lot of hair, but the hair she did have was in little waves all over her scalp... and even the beginning of a few curls. She'd have been a Shirley Temple, just like me when I was little. One of my favorite parts about her were here knees! I know that sounds really silly, but they were just so little and so sweet... so perfectly formed! Her legs were really long, too! In one picture I have, she looks almost just like my brother did when he was born at just 27 weeks. She had a lot of "hampton" features.
We held her all afternoon. Sean and I read "On the Night You Were Born" with her. (Thanks, Kim & Miles!) We passed her around the room. Mom held her. Megan held her. We took tons of pictures. We cried, we laughed. We oooh-ed and aaah-ed at her beauty. Finally, we had to let her go. Megan changed her into the gown Heidi made for her. We decided to change her into that one so that I could keep the first gown and cap she was in as a keepsake. We wrapped her in a different blanket so that we could also keep the black and white one she'd been wrapped in all day, from Aunt Meg. Linda came to take her from us when we were ready and personally handed her over to the funeral home director. That was the hardest moment of my life. I just kept wanting to give her one more kiss. Hold her one more minute. Whisper one more thing in her perfectly formed ear.
So that's pretty much it... the overview of Whitney's birth. Its weird to say this, but it honestly was the most perfect, beautiful, peaceful experience I could have ever imagined/hoped for/prayed for. We were truly surrounded by the peace that passes all understanding. Losing Whitney would have hurt regardless of the point in my pregnancy that we lost her. But knowing all along that she was His from the beginning, and trusting in Him to take her home in His timing was what kept us going. We loved her with a perfect love her entire life, and that is all she will ever know. I am forever grateful for the strength God gave every day as we enjoyed the moments of her life He gave us.
Every day that passes, my heart hurts more and more because we are another day further away from the last time we held her. It sometimes feels like the reality of her being here is slipping away, minute by minute. But as the Spirit has to remind me of so often, with every day that we are futher away from the last time we held her here on earth, we are one day closer to holding her again in Heaven. Forever. Steven Curtis Chapman's song, Heaven is the Face, is one that I really identify with right now. He wrote it for his sweet Maria after she passed away. It talks about how he can't wait to get to Heaven to hold his little girl, and even though he knows that heaven is so much more than just that, that is what he's really looking forward to at this time. I couldn't agree more.
