Living in His Compassion

 www.WhitneyJill.com
Thanks for visting and remembering our daughter with us.
If you're new here, you might want to start at
The Beginning.  

I Wonder....

Today is Whitney's second birthday.  And as I sit here and watch my 9 month old daughter go back and forth between unfolding the laundry I just folded and chewing on blocks, I wonder what life would be like with a two year old. 

I wonder...

what words would she know?

what foods would she like?

what foods would she hate?

would she like to dance?

would she like dolls or dinosaurs?

stripes or polka dots?

would her hair be long or still slowly growing (like Gia)?

I could go on and on with a list as long as my arm of things I wonder about Whitney.  But I am so thankful for the time we did have with her while she was in my tummy, and the gift of carrying her for 31 weeks.  Because we chose to carry her, there are so many things I don't have to wonder about. 

I don't have to wonder if she could have been healed on this earth... I know now that wasn't God's plan.

I don't have to wonder who she would have looked like... she looked a lot like me.

I don't have to wonder if she would have curly hair... she did.

I don't have to wonder if her second toe would be longer than her first... it was.

I don't have to wonder what it would be like to actually hold her in my arms... I held her for hours. 

I don't have to wonder if God would really make good on his promises to sustain the brokenhearted and heal gaping souls... he does and still is. 

Even though we knew Whitney would not live life on earth with us, our decision to let her live out what short time God gave us with her here made all the difference in the world.  We have no regrets in the way we honored her life. And because we have hope in Christ, we don't have to wonder if we will ever see her again.  We will. 

After Whitney was born, the doctor ordered an ultrasound to see if I had fully delivered everything, or if I would need to also have a D & C.  The ultrasound tech who came into our room said, "I'm sorry for your loss.  But it looks like you know you will see her again."  With all the confidence in the world, I said "Oh, we WILL."  I am so grateful that God loves us enough that he sent his Son to earth, to die for my sins, so that we can be in Heaven with Him for eternity.  And in doing so, death is not the end.  I am so eternally grateful for that. 

So while it feels like we're two years further away from the day we last held our baby girl, in reality, we are two years closer to holding her in Heaven.  And I'm thankful for the things I don't have to wonder about, but have confidence in knowing. 

Another Song

Another song that really ministered to me with Whitney was Hillsong's "Desert Song."  I wrote about it HERE.  I vividly remember sitting on the edge of my bathtub, listening to this song in the morning as I was getting ready.  It geared me up for the day & gave me the perspective I needed to carry on. 

 

I hope you are all planning to keep your eyes open for a Random Act of Kindness opportunity this weekend!  I'd love to hear what you did... just pop back over here and leave a comment! 

I Will Carry You

In this week leading up to Whitney's second birthday, I want to share some beautiful songs that ministered to me while I was carrying her, and that are still speaking to my heart now.  The first one is "I Will Carry You" by Selah.  Its a beautiful song that so eloquently speaks the words of my heart. 

Angie Smith carried her daughter Audrey, knowing Audrey was not expected to live. Her story is one that encouraged me and gave me the strength to carry Whitney.

Whitney's Name in Bean Bags

I made these alphabet bean bags for my nieces a few weeks ago.  Before I gave them to them, though, I took a few seconds to snap some pictures for Whitney's name gallery!  :)

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below: 

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.

2012 RAOK Day Printables

Here are a couple of fun printable pages that you can use when you are doing your Random Acts of Kindness.  You can just print them out, and include them in whatever you are doing.  For instance, last year, we gave a gift card to a dad and daughter at Olive Garden.  We purchased the gift card from our waitress when we paid for our meal, then slid one of the RAOK cards in with the gift card before we handed it to them.  The first printable can be used as a foldable card... the second is just flat, like a business card.  You can pay for the car behind you at Starbucks and have the barista hand them the card; tuck it in with a gift card; tape it to a vending machine along with some quarters; leave it in your mailbox along with a candy bar and thank you note for your mailman... the possibilities are endless!

Click the link for the PDF or click the pic for the JPG.

Download RAOK Tent Cards 2012

Download RAOK Cards 2012

Whitney's Day 2012- An Invitation for YOU!

I cannot believe Whitney's second birthday is just one week away.  I hope to write more on the subject, but I just wanted to get this post up to remind everyone that we are going to do another RAOK day, and would LOVE to have you all join us! 

You can read about all of last years' fun HERE.  There are some great ideas on Random Acts of Kindness HERE.  And soon I will have the printable versions of this year's cards up.  (Hopefully tomorrow (Sunday)).

So... will you guys please plan to join us next Saturday in sprinkling our world with a littl RAOK love, in memory of Whitney?  I am so excited to share her birthday with you all!  Feel free to share this invitation with others, too.

Still grieving and still hoping

This is Sean and I am sitting at the kitchen table in a lonely house.  Sheyenne and G have gone away to visit some family and I am left in the quiet with some time to reflect.  The loss of Whitney still weighs heavy on my heart.  I find myself locked into a strange conundrum though, in that I do not know how to correctly grieve the loss of my first daughter and have joy living in the moment with my second.  I know that the answer to my riddle is simple, that I can grieve the first and enjoy the second, but I don't know how to put this into practice. 

I see Gia and know that she has straight hair and when I held Whitney she had curly hair.  I miss that curly hair so much though.  I find myself fighting back any sort of sadness or sorrow because I now have so much blessing and joy in my life.  To be honest, I feel like a horrible father.  Pity is not what I seek but what I long for is a healthy balance of missing and rejoicing in the same breath. 

John the Baptist I believe could relate to my frustration.  He dreamt the dreams of what the Messiah would bring and he even saw the dove come down and mark the Son of God.  And towards the end of his life he finds himself locked away in prison.  Sitting in that cell could not have been very encouraging and I would venture to guess that doubt might have set in from time to time.  He knows the promise of what Jesus has come to fulfill.  He has seen the light of the world with his very two eyes.  And yet in Matthew 11 John the Baptist finds himself locked in a prison cell. 

I wonder if the Baptist is thinking back to his own words that he spoke "I baptize you with water for repentance, but he who is coming after me is mightier than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. His winnowing fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor and gather his wheat into the barn, but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire." I wonder if he is confused because his current imprisonment does not match his understanding of what the Messiah was supposed to do, that those who believe and repent will have blessing and those who do not will have judgment?  So John does what we all wish we could do...and that is to send word to Jesus and hear his answer. 

I have to admit I love but hate what Jesus sends back to John.  First Jesus does not question his doubt, nor does he hold it against John because he goes on to build John and repeat the Baptist's mission in the world.  Jesus tells John's disciples all of the wonders and miracles that are being preformed daily.  Jesus wants John to know how the Kingdom is being shown on the earth and Jesus wants John to know how the Son of God is redeeming this fallen world.  But what did Jesus not tell John?  He told him that the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are clean, and the deaf hear (amen!).  But what is missing from this response? 

There is no mention of the prisoners being set free.  John, you are going to die in prison.  I am still the Son of God, but you are going to die in prison.  Now we don't hear how John received this message, and I would venture to guess that since he was killed he put his faith in the right place and did not try and wiggle out of Herod's grip. 

As poor of a comparison to go from the Baptist to me, I too must believe what Jesus has spoken.  All around there are stories of healing and of miraculous things taking place, and who am I to demand from the God of the universe to bow down to my will and my desires.  I am grateful that Jesus let John doubt and ask if Jesus really is the Messiah.  I have asked as well, and I am constantly reminded who Jesus truly is and how he has never abandoned me. 

So to go back to where this all started, I will continue to grieve and miss my baby girl because really what father wouldn't.  But I will also hold true to the promise of my Savior, that he has come to deliver us from the bondage of our sin that so easily entangles this world and that he is coming back again for his glory and not mine.  I thank God that this little life named Whitney has brought him much glory and praise, and I pray that we all would strive to do the same. 

From Idette in Kauai

My dear, sweet friend Idette sent me this beautiful picture from Kauai... I love it!  I love the flower used to "dot" the "i".  (Is it a frangy pangy flower?)  Gorgeous!  Thank you so much Idette! 

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below: 

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.

 

Parental Bereavement Act 2011

Below is a link to a petition for grieving parents to receive leave for bereavement under the Family Leave Act.

Thankfully, I was able to take my full maternity leave after Whitney died. I remember the days and weeks of walking around in a fog, wondering if this was really my life. I had to relearn how to live my life in this new sense of normal. Everything from sleeping to eating to driving and shopping was completely foreign and had to be relearned. I am thankful for the time I had on maternity leave to get used to just living life before I had to face what all of that meant for my job.

I know that many women receive maternity leave, but if your pregnancy loss was early, you were not able to take maternity leave. Or, if you had a c-section you barely get your feet back on the ground then have to return to work and face the public.

There are also mommas that lose their babies several weeks after birth due to the poor/fatal diagnosis. Their maternity leave runs out and have to return to work shortly after burying their child.

This Parental Bereavement Act is an amendment to the FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) that will extend benefits to employees who have experienced the death of a child. There are so many ways that our little ones are not acknowledged when they pass away, especially if the baby is stillborn (as was our case). We did not receive a birth certificate, she was not acknowledged on our taxes, and if she had been born much earlier, I would not have been eligible for maternity leave. This is a great way to allow families time to heal without having the extra stress of missing so much work to grieve.

Its super simple to sign the petition online... only took a couple of minutes. Click the link below to sign! You don't have to be a baby loss momma to care!

 

From Erin

A couple of times, I've been blessed to make birth announcements for precious angel babies.  The women, families and babies I've met have touched my heart and changed my life.  As I spent time creating each birth announcement, and perfecting it to the mother's liking, I prayed for their families, the lives they touched.  One person I was blessed to meet through that was a fellow angel mum to Christian, Erin.  She sent me this beautiful picture from a recent trip to Gulf Shores, AL.  I am continually in awe of the amazing people I meet on this journey... a journey I would never have chosen for myself but have been blessed beyond belief beause of it.  Here's the picture she sent:

Beautiful, right?!  Thank you so much, Erin for thinking of me and Whitney Jill.  We will never forget your Christian, either! :)  Love you friend!

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below: 

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.  :-)