Living in His Compassion

 www.WhitneyJill.com
Thanks for visting and remembering our daughter with us.
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The Beginning.  

Still grieving and still hoping

This is Sean and I am sitting at the kitchen table in a lonely house.  Sheyenne and G have gone away to visit some family and I am left in the quiet with some time to reflect.  The loss of Whitney still weighs heavy on my heart.  I find myself locked into a strange conundrum though, in that I do not know how to correctly grieve the loss of my first daughter and have joy living in the moment with my second.  I know that the answer to my riddle is simple, that I can grieve the first and enjoy the second, but I don't know how to put this into practice. 

I see Gia and know that she has straight hair and when I held Whitney she had curly hair.  I miss that curly hair so much though.  I find myself fighting back any sort of sadness or sorrow because I now have so much blessing and joy in my life.  To be honest, I feel like a horrible father.  Pity is not what I seek but what I long for is a healthy balance of missing and rejoicing in the same breath. 

John the Baptist I believe could relate to my frustration.  He dreamt the dreams of what the Messiah would bring and he even saw the dove come down and mark the Son of God.  And towards the end of his life he finds himself locked away in prison.  Sitting in that cell could not have been very encouraging and I would venture to guess that doubt might have set in from time to time.  He knows the promise of what Jesus has come to fulfill.  He has seen the light of the world with his very two eyes.  And yet in Matthew 11 John the Baptist finds himself locked in a prison cell. 

I wonder if the Baptist is thinking back to his own words that he spoke "I baptize you with water for repentance, but he who is coming after me is mightier than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. His winnowing fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor and gather his wheat into the barn, but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire." I wonder if he is confused because his current imprisonment does not match his understanding of what the Messiah was supposed to do, that those who believe and repent will have blessing and those who do not will have judgment?  So John does what we all wish we could do...and that is to send word to Jesus and hear his answer. 

I have to admit I love but hate what Jesus sends back to John.  First Jesus does not question his doubt, nor does he hold it against John because he goes on to build John and repeat the Baptist's mission in the world.  Jesus tells John's disciples all of the wonders and miracles that are being preformed daily.  Jesus wants John to know how the Kingdom is being shown on the earth and Jesus wants John to know how the Son of God is redeeming this fallen world.  But what did Jesus not tell John?  He told him that the blind see, the lame walk, the lepers are clean, and the deaf hear (amen!).  But what is missing from this response? 

There is no mention of the prisoners being set free.  John, you are going to die in prison.  I am still the Son of God, but you are going to die in prison.  Now we don't hear how John received this message, and I would venture to guess that since he was killed he put his faith in the right place and did not try and wiggle out of Herod's grip. 

As poor of a comparison to go from the Baptist to me, I too must believe what Jesus has spoken.  All around there are stories of healing and of miraculous things taking place, and who am I to demand from the God of the universe to bow down to my will and my desires.  I am grateful that Jesus let John doubt and ask if Jesus really is the Messiah.  I have asked as well, and I am constantly reminded who Jesus truly is and how he has never abandoned me. 

So to go back to where this all started, I will continue to grieve and miss my baby girl because really what father wouldn't.  But I will also hold true to the promise of my Savior, that he has come to deliver us from the bondage of our sin that so easily entangles this world and that he is coming back again for his glory and not mine.  I thank God that this little life named Whitney has brought him much glory and praise, and I pray that we all would strive to do the same. 

From Idette in Kauai

My dear, sweet friend Idette sent me this beautiful picture from Kauai... I love it!  I love the flower used to "dot" the "i".  (Is it a frangy pangy flower?)  Gorgeous!  Thank you so much Idette! 

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below: 

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.

 

Parental Bereavement Act 2011

Below is a link to a petition for grieving parents to receive leave for bereavement under the Family Leave Act.

Thankfully, I was able to take my full maternity leave after Whitney died. I remember the days and weeks of walking around in a fog, wondering if this was really my life. I had to relearn how to live my life in this new sense of normal. Everything from sleeping to eating to driving and shopping was completely foreign and had to be relearned. I am thankful for the time I had on maternity leave to get used to just living life before I had to face what all of that meant for my job.

I know that many women receive maternity leave, but if your pregnancy loss was early, you were not able to take maternity leave. Or, if you had a c-section you barely get your feet back on the ground then have to return to work and face the public.

There are also mommas that lose their babies several weeks after birth due to the poor/fatal diagnosis. Their maternity leave runs out and have to return to work shortly after burying their child.

This Parental Bereavement Act is an amendment to the FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) that will extend benefits to employees who have experienced the death of a child. There are so many ways that our little ones are not acknowledged when they pass away, especially if the baby is stillborn (as was our case). We did not receive a birth certificate, she was not acknowledged on our taxes, and if she had been born much earlier, I would not have been eligible for maternity leave. This is a great way to allow families time to heal without having the extra stress of missing so much work to grieve.

Its super simple to sign the petition online... only took a couple of minutes. Click the link below to sign! You don't have to be a baby loss momma to care!

 

From Erin

A couple of times, I've been blessed to make birth announcements for precious angel babies.  The women, families and babies I've met have touched my heart and changed my life.  As I spent time creating each birth announcement, and perfecting it to the mother's liking, I prayed for their families, the lives they touched.  One person I was blessed to meet through that was a fellow angel mum to Christian, Erin.  She sent me this beautiful picture from a recent trip to Gulf Shores, AL.  I am continually in awe of the amazing people I meet on this journey... a journey I would never have chosen for myself but have been blessed beyond belief beause of it.  Here's the picture she sent:

Beautiful, right?!  Thank you so much, Erin for thinking of me and Whitney Jill.  We will never forget your Christian, either! :)  Love you friend!

You can see the rest of Whitney's Name Gallery pictures by clicking the photo below: 

And if you're wondering what's up with this name thing, click HERE.  :-)

Day 9: Relationships

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't have other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?

Gia is our rainbow baby so she came after Whitney.  No doubt she will somehow be affected by that, but she's too young right now.  So my relationship with Sean... like I said before, through this all, he has been my rock.  We have gotten so much closer over the past two years, I cannot imagine living life without him.  I'm a lucky lady.  :)

Day 8: Good Days

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

It depends on the day you ask me.  ;)  Generally, yes.  As with most everything, the intense pain has gotten better with time.  And although I think of her every day, most days are less painful than they were in the early days after her loss.  I used to think of each day after she died as one day further away from the last time we held her, but now I am able to think of it as each day being one day closer to holding her again in Heaven. 

But the hard days are still there.  Like watching the video in the previous post was really hard.  I tend to push things out of my mind that I don't want to think about... but seeing her precious little heartbeat on the ultrasound, her hand waves and her sweet little 'jumps' make me miss her all the more. 

Day 7: Honors

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel? If so what?

Yes!  We have several things that we started to keep Whitney's memory alive and to honor her life.  First of all, we started a memorial fund that helped to purchase an ultrasound machine for the mobile ultrasound clinic at the Pregnancy Care Center in Fresno.  I need to do an update on that post soon!!  But, we purchased an awesome ultrasound machine that has already saved multiple babies' lives, and it has a little plaque on in that says "In Memory of Whitney Jill."  I was able to share with one mom-to-be about Whitney, and how we chose to carry her even though she was sick.  It was so awesome to have that opportunity.  Here's a video about that:

 

 (click on it to see the whole thing... it gets cut off with the dimensions of this blog)

Secondly, on Whitney's birthday, we started the tradtion of doing a Random Act of Kindness Day.  Many of you guys participated last year, and we are still planning on doing something again this year.  It may not be as elaborate as last year was, but we will still do it-- and hope you will join us again!  See our complete rundown of the day here.

Another way we remember Whitney in our family is by creating Aunt & Uncle Day.  It is April 16, which was Whitney's original due date.  Its a way for us to remember Whitney while also honoring her aunts & uncles!  See what we did this year and last year. 

Day 6: How Many Kids?

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?

This is probably one of the hardest questions that a baby loss mom will have to deal with.  I will never forget the first time someone asked me this question after Whitney died.  I was at a Mary Kay event with a friend, and I had to stand up and introduce myself.  It was exactly one month to the day after I'd had Whitney, and the director asked if I had any kids.  I was still so raw and sad, I just wanted to crawl away... so I said no.  I cried the entire way home, then tried to explain to Sean how I felt like I had just denied my only child who had died.  It was horrible.

Since then, I've learned to give myself a little bit of grace when the question arises.  Sometimes, I've surprised myself and said, "Yes, I had a daughter but she passed away."  But reactions are usually worse than just saying "no."  Take for instance, the waiter at Olive Garden the day we went to eat there after Whitney's memorial service.  She asked if we were celebrating anything so I, feeling brave, said yes... we were celebrating my daughter **waitress's face begins to light up with a smile** who was now in Heaven. **waitress's face falls to the floors as she flusters around to verbally vomit an apology while trying to run away from us as fast as possible.**  It was awkward, to say the least.

So really, it depends on the situation, the surroundings, and the person who is asking.  I'm now able to say that we have two daughters, one who has passed away.  I can usually say that without crying, so that's progress, right?  But it is such a tricky question.

Day 5: Reminders

Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they?

I do get reminders of Whitney every now and then.  When we lived in California, reminders of her were everywhere.  And I loved it.  There were a lot of "Whitney Avenues" around Fresno-- we lived off of Whitney Ave!  So I'd get reminders of her almost on a daily basis.  While I was pregnant with Whit, we were intentional about making memories with her... things that were special to us at the time.  The morning that we went to the hospital to have Whitney, the trees across our street had just burst into beautiful white blooms--seemingly overnight, like they appeared just to celebrate her life.  I haven't seen any of those trees here in Mid America yet.  But they always remind me of Whitney. 

I love when people email pictures of Whitney's name for her name gallery.  Those always seem to come at just the right time, when I really miss her.  After we moved, I was telling Sean that I was kind of disappointed that I hadn't found any "Whitney" pictures around town.  There were reminders everywhere in Fresno (remember how her name was written in cement on our back patio?!) and I was struggling with how to keep her memory here.  He kept telling me, "Just wait.  It will come." 

A few weeks after that conversation, we got my new license plate in the mail.  I was so shocked when I saw it... Sean got me a personalized license plate that says "WHITTY J".... there's a little bit of a story to this reminder.  After Whitney died, Sean began to write a children's book series about a girl named Whitty J who was a clever young girl who liked to solve mysteries.  Her name is Whitney Jill, but her friends call her Whitty J (get it, 'witty'?).  It was therapeutic for Sean to write the Whitty J story... he could imagine what she would look like, what she would say, wear, do, etc.  He hasn't written any in a long time because he said its just too painful to think about her now.  But I love the first story he wrote... maybe some day I can share it on here.  Its kind of like Ladybug Girl meets Nancy Drew for little kids.  Really cute.  Anyways, that's the story behind the license plate.  I love it.  Now I have a sweet reminder of Whitney everywhere I go!  And she is 'with' us in thought wherever we go, too!

Other reminders of Whitney that pop up here and there include ladybugs, white lillies, the Olive Garden, and black and white damask print.

 

Day 4: What's Kept You Going

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

I think on different days it has been different things.  Through most of the grieving process, it is just putting one foot in front of another.  A lot of people say (or think) "I don't konw how you do it... I don't know how you keep going."  The truth is, what choice do I have?  When a child dies, a part of you dies, too.  But you just kind of keep putting one foot forward, day in and day out, until you are alive again.  There were days I didn't get out of bed.  There were days I didn't want to get out of bed but I had to.  Then there were days that I actually looked forward to getting up.  

While I was pregnant with Whitney, I worked at a pregnancy center.  I had always had a very strong sense of value on human life in all stages, and part of my job there was to help educate women about the importance of life.  I got to share some of the amazing things about how we are created-- that our hearts start beating just 3 weeks after conception!  Fingers start to develop at just 7 weeks!  And all the cool amazing things about the way babies develop from the earliest moments.  And just because Whitney was sick didn't mean she was of any less value to us or to God.  It was definitely hard to be pregnant with Whitney and see women choose not to carry their healthy babies to term, but I also felt it was the ultimate test in my life... an opportunity to really practice what I preach, so to speak.  And many days, the hope that sharing Whitney's life will save another little baby keeps me going.

So that's kind of a jumbled answer to the question.  But its just a mixture of everything... some days I keep breathing because I have no other option.  Other days, I am optimistic with hope, and determined to make Whitney's life continue to count for something.  And most certainly, nowadays, it is the precious rainbow baby sleeping in the other room that keeps me going.  :)